Is there a hidden meaning behind any of the following?

"I don't think I deserve you"

"I'm not as good as you think I am"

 

I've been told these things before, but was just told this again a few minutes ago... After which I'm told not to think too much about it.  I know I'm leaving a lot of context out, but is there any hidden meaning behind this?  Should I be concerned?

I'm finally back. What was originally going to be a one month stay in Guangzhou, China ended up being a 9.5 week stay.


Update On The Medical Front

On my last post, I mentioned that the doctors were preparing to do a biopsy (below is a photo of my first biopsy.. after the stitches were removed) and then have assemble a team of doctors to review my case.  After waiting a few weeks for the results, the tests did not yield anything useful.  They decided to conduct another biopsy in nearly the same area, an EKG, and an MRI.  Unfortunately I was unable to complete the MRI. 



As you can see from the photo below, an MRI is where you lay on a slab and get slid into a machine.  When laying on the slab, the nurse locks you down, and places something on your chest.  I have difficulty breathing when I lay on my back.  With the thing on my chest, I had a severe shortness of breath.  I figured I could bare with it.  The nurse informed me that there were 5 tests that needed to be done, and that it would take one hour.  So it started.  The machine started making noises, we were on our way.  The machine then began expelling some heat.  At that point, I couldn't breath, couldn't move, and started to sweat -- it became unbearable.  After 5 minutes passed and the machine stopped, I figure first test was over and requested a breather.  Not one test was completed!  Unfortunately an hour would have been a tall order so we decided to call it off.



Prior to me departing, a couple doctors from Shanghai and Beijing convened with the doctors in Guangzhou to review my case.  The doctors from the neuromuscular and rheumatology fields did not agree on each other's diagnosis hypotheses.  The one disease the rheumatologists currently believe I might have is called Dermamyositis.  Unfortunately one of my docs here in the US does not concur.  The rollercoaster continues.  Can anyone refer me to a real life Dr. House?


Medical Care in China vs. US

Despite the costs, and having to stay at a hospital for nearly the entire trip, I believe it was worth it.  If given the chance I'd probably do it again.  Though the medical care and technology in the US is known to be far superior to many other countries, IMO there seems to be too many roadblocks to getting the necessary tests done.  For the 10 years that I've been dealing with my condition, the doctors could not come up with a definitive diagnosis... Over the past few years they haven't been doing many tests either... Not sure who is to blame.. Perhaps I had just gotten complacent, and figured they were doing their best, and not being proactive enough.  Perhaps I've been a patient so long that they figure theres nothing new.  All I know is that over the past few years, I've only been getting the occasional blood test.

The great thing about China is that... so long as you have the $$.. or even know someone, you can get things done.  Theres no need for approval from insurance.  Sure, you have to pay out of pocket, but the costs are a fraction of what it would cost in the US.  Need a MRI?  It can be scheduled within the next couple days.  Need a biopsy?  How's tomorrow for you?  No need to wait weeks or months for an appointment.  In all, the two months stay in the hospital cost about $13K USD, which included all the tests, and room fees (I got a private room too!).  In the US, I'd hazard a guess that $13K wouldn't even cover 2 weeks for the room.


Memories

For the most part I have fond memories of my trip.  I got to meet some very nice people.  My dad's friends visited frequently bringing me huge baskets of fruit and flowers.  The doctors and nurses were very attentive, friendly, and fun to talk to.  Since I'm only able to read maybe 100 characters in Chinese, ordering food was a bit troublesome.  They'd read the menu to me and help call the restaurant to place an order -- needless to say I would've died of hunger if it weren't for them!  I'd spend lots of time chatting with them, forcing 'em to speak some English, and trying to make them laugh... For the people that had night-shifts, I made it a habit to stay up and talk to 'em. It certainly made my stay entertaining.  Besides that, I spent most of my time in my room watching movies/tv shows, stealing wifi internet from one of the nearby residents to go on FB or play games (FB and Youtube are blocked in China, but managed to find ways around the Great Firewall of China).  Below is a photo of my tearful goodbye..



Another thing that kept me sane is that I had a dear friend and co-worker visit me nearly every day.  She'd bring me food, help me buy things, translate when needed, watch TV/movies with me, and keep me company.  She was like my family over there.




For those of you on my FB friends list, you've likely already seen the rest of these photos. 


First time sitting in 1st class.  Couldn't sleep so I tried to make the most of it by eating as much possible.


Smoked Salmon & Caviar


Delicious crab cakes..  too bad they wouldn't let me order more..  Permits limited to one per 1st class passenger..?


Engrish


Beef brisket with "gwei lum mei fun" soup noodles.  7 RMB for a large with free delivery (no tip required).  I ordered this once every other day!


Sashimi platter



Scorpion soup


Say hi to Kermit!


Some sort of cake/pastry with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top


Shanghai Dumplings (Xiao Long Bao/Siu Long Bao) -- One of my two meals in Shanghai


At Shanghai International Airport.


Spicy chicken sandwich from McDonalds... McDonalds food taste so much better there!


Mangoes in China are HUGE.. Almost as huge as my big head. 


This was an anteater... tasted a little like beef.  Pretty yummy!


They told me this was an eagle.  You can see the two eyes there..


Not much meat on these small crabs..


L-R:  My dad, some famous Chinese guy, me
The guy is around 80-90 yrs old, and walks like the wind.  He is very quick on his feet, energetic, and strong. 


Bringing home a wife

One of the many ongoing jokes is that I'd go to China for a little while and bring back a wife.  Some awkwardness during my trip ensued when my dad & friends attempted to set me up with a girl there.  Prior to my arrival, they went to a city near Guangzhou to 'check out' some girls.  Despite my protest I guess my dad feels a sense of urgency to get me hitched.  After supposedly looking at 20+ girls, they all settled on one girl.  The 4 of them were pretty forceful in making me talk to her, and had even invited her to a group dinner.  My brother and sister-in-law, who were scheduled to depart Guangzhou the day before, decided to stay an extra day or two so that they can see her and share in the fun.  We sat together at dinner and hardly spoke a word.  She speaks primarily Mandarin, little English and Cantonese.  I, on the other hand, speak English (obviously), Cantonese, and my Mandarin needs lots of work.  They were talking about flying her parents in to meet me... Umm, what??  I was a tad bit peeved at the situation... but I'm glad that I can laugh about it now.


I *think* these might be the girls they checked out.. LOL


This is the girl they chose

Don't get me wrong, the idea of not having to work up the courage to talk to and ask a girl out is appealing... Especially considering my success rate, or lack thereof.. However, the constant pressure from my dad, and his friends made me resistant and downright pissed off.  Having them there gawking and laughing was upsetting.  Not being able to converse with her easily due to the language barrier was a bit troublesome.  The long distance thing would be a pain... Add to the fact that I was only interested in going to China for medical treatment and didn't want this type of distraction.  Ah well, whats done is done.


Thankful

I thank my lucky stars for all the love and support that I've received from my dear friends, family, and the strangers I share my story with.  Thank you m dear Xanga readers that have been reading, giving me advice, and encouraging me.  As you can tell from my previous posts, there are times when I do get down in the dumps.  Its hard to avoid.  But whenever I am down, theres someone there to pick me right back up, encourage me to keep on working and not give up.  I'm thankful that I'm still able to walk, and live a relatively normal life. 


Overcoming Jet Lag

So I've been back about two weeks now and am finally back to a reasonable sleep schedule.  I've also been trying to adjust back to the clean air, water, and food -- have had a few upset stomachs...  For about 1.5 weeks I was taking 3-6 hour naps, waking up at 3-7am.  Waking up early all those days confirmed what I had always thought... I'm not a morning person.  Perhaps the one good thing about waking up in the wee hours of the morning is that I can watch the sunrise...



How do you overcome jet lag?  How long does it usually take?